Gaia Community: kicksave's Blog

[Integral Veg*n] FOOD - FRIDAY FIVE

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:19:22 GMT

1) What did you have for breakfast?
Blueberry bagel w/peanut butter and a pot of coffee

2) Have you grown your own food?
sort of.. I've harvested and cooked the fiddleheads growing wild on my property (and my neighbors)

3) What is your favorite beverage?
The PC thing to say would be water, but it's a toss up...coffee / wine then water

4) Do you like to cook?
I do, mostly becuase as a runner I really like to eat!

5) What is your favorite vegetable(s)?
I'd say tomato, but that's really a fruit isn't it? Carrots then.

Tags: Friday Five, Food

cold morning

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:34:36 GMT

Mornings are still chilly bordering on cold.

Hats, gloves heavy coats required.

We rise early, the dog and I.

He waits on his bed till I've had my coffee and checked my email.

Then he eats and out we go.

If the morning is like today, cloudless sun rising.

We head North East on our road.

We turn at Mayweather estates, a two home subdivision sometime in the future.

It's marked no trespassing but we don't care, besides Ben cannot read.

At the end of the cul-de-sac we wade through the prickers and brambles.

To the eastern most end of open space a long rectangular field that perhaps is hayed in summer.

We walk west Ben and I.

The sun at our backs, me casting a 30 foot shadow pointing the way west.

Ben's shadow trotting besides mine.

There is a small fieldstone cairn rocks balanced one atop another.

In the center of a small fieldstone patio. No more than 6 feet across.

This stonehedge rising there cold Maine granite, mysterious.

I pause there, silent, respectful while Ben nose to the ground scenting who has been to our field.

There is birdsong here, as the sun warms and wakes the choir.

We follow our shadow till the field ends in an apple orchard, or perhaps pears I cannot tell yet.

A small graveyard sits there, at the edge of the orchard.

Short stone pillars with 3 iron railing between each ring this small plot.

20 markers dot the ground, some simply a rock others formal covered with lichen or faded beyond legibility.

I pause here too, silent and respectful.

Tags:

That was just wrong last night

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:52:23 GMT

In what to me epitomizes all that is wrong with the Republican party, Senator McCain's supported booed and shouted out derogatory comments whenever the Senator mentioned President Elect Obama. After the mean spiritedness and arrogance of the last 8 years it was obvious to the American people if not to my party that it was time to stand up to the class bully.

Tags: obama, mccain

Bikram class Five!

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 02:59:26 GMT

FIVE

Bikram class 5

I've noticed that the right front corner seems to attract the most limber practitioners.

limber

Today there was a tall, well long woman in that spot today. Come to think of it the other classes that space has been occupied by long women. I had gotten there early so I sat for about 20 minutes getting acclimated and unwinding. This woman did the most amazing upward bow! then added the variation where the leg goes straight up. I watched her do some pushups earlier, and I thought after class I'll mention the 100 pushup challenge, well then she went to the wall, and did inverted pushups.

handstand

I figured she didn't need any pushup challenge. At least in the 100 range.

Another new instructor, four classes four different instructors. Instructor #3 was on the mat next to me today and didn't seem particularly advanced. This instructor, while talking about how difficult the poses can sometimes be, and how it's hot and all, said I've taken a few classes. So three and four both intimated that they hadn't practiced much or long,

newteacher

and I've noticed that there is a certain repetition to the instructions throughout class. So I wonder if I memorized the lines, could I instruct? Dawn any thoughts on that? From the way you described your training it sounded intensive, much the opposite of what I'm sensing from the last two instructors.

I've noticed my balance poses have gotten better. I can do, at least the basic pose without getting all wobbly and having to catch my balance. It would be great to move into the more advanced part of the pose, maybe next week :)

AND NOW MY FAVORITE SUBJECT, sweat! I noticed a dark spot around the center of my space today, where the tidal surge of sweat overwhelmed the ninth ward of my towel and darkened the carpet.

flooding

Just out of curiosity I wrung my towel out in the sink afterwards...next class, I am going to bring a measuring bowl with me, and see just how much comes out of my towel. It was impressive!

As long as we, ok me, is on bodily fluids, let me talk about urine. Being a runner, I know that the color of your urine is an indication of your hydration level. The clearer the better. Now I have had some long training runs prior to a marathon where I have had urine the color of coke-a-cola.

darkurine

If it had lumps in it I wouldn't have been surprised. This past week, it hasn't been that bad, but it's been a very dark yellow. Somewhere near a black & tan beer.

blackandtan

No, that's too dark, more like a J W Dundee Honey Brown ale.

honeybrown

To combat that I have been drinking a lot of water, and yet I can't seem to keep up.

I also figure that the cramping I've been getting in my feet

cramp

has to do with my hydration level and perhaps a potassium deficiency. So I've been working on those two.

Tags: bikram yoga, hot yoga, zico

Bikram class Four!

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:48:44 GMT

Bikram #4

four

I've noticed that I've been eating better food and less of it too as of late. Last Monday we had a office party, they served fried everything. I took a plate and was looking forward to digging in, but after a few bites, it just felt gross. So I dumped it and got a salad. I've dropped 6 pounds in a week and my body fat pct is down around 11. I have been tired on my runs and played the two worst games of hockey this week that I've played in awhile.

OK I'll get right to it, no one farted! Brings the average down to 50% of classes someone rips a few.

When I took my first class at this studio, they said to grab a dry mat off of the rack to use. Afterwards I asked where should I put it, and they said "on the rack". I had assumed that they were drying off after being cleaned (the first studio cleaned them) not drying off from being soaked in sweat. It seems like I should be grossed out by that but I'm not really.

The teacher last night was the friendliest of the three I've had there, but I had overheard her talking to someone and saying that she hadn't practiced much. Would have thought that was a prerequisite.

This was by far the toughest class...it wasn't just me as afterwards several people asked if it was hotter than normal. No was the answer, the highest the temperature got was 102 but the humidity was higher than normal. So it's true, it's not the heat it's the humidity.

I know I am belaboring this, but geez it's amazing the amount of sweat I'm coming up with! At pose eight the river starts to flood off the hem of my shorts, last night it started at five.

AND WHATS WRONG WITH MY ARMS? Why is it so hard to hold them up? My shoulders are killing me.

I had more trouble than usual doing one legged poses last night, I'm guessing that my muscles are tired and are having a tougher time handling balancing poses.

balanced

By the time we got to camel, pose 22, I was feeling dizzy and stayed down for them both.

dizzy

Wonder what it is about that pose that gets me every time. Moving from laying down to being up on my knees?

The guy in front of me had white scabby looking things on his feet, really made cobra more challenging then it needed to be.

scaley

Then doing the situps, put your hands over your head, fingers clasped, my hands kept hitting his feet! EEEEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEWWWWW! I kept scooching down my mat till finally my feet were on the wall!

Sprinkler

But then I'm sure it's no picnic standing next to the human sprinkler either!

testosterone

Ok, I'm going to have to dip into the testosterone for a moment,
"WHAT??? MORE! YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FARTS AND BODILY FLUIDS FOR THREE DAYS"
Yup one totally male observation coming up, there is an added dimension of beauty and grace brought to yoga by a woman wearing only a sport bra and boy shorts, IMHO.

(sorry no pictures)

Tags: bikram yoga, hot yoga

Bikram class Three

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:59:44 GMT

THREE

Ok..so it seems farting is pretty common. Or I am on a streak. There are times besides when I have my hockey equipment on that not having a sense of smell is a blessing. Someone near me, not the same person from yesterday, had a flatulence issue! Nearly every time she bent at the waist....

Better teacher today, very upbeat, kept the tempo going by talking throughout the poses even serenaded us at the end with a song, he has a very good voice.

One of my concerns (there are many) is the amount that I sweat, I don't think it's normal.

mesweat

When I mentioned that before signing up they just laughed and said everyone sweats, don't worry about it. But I don't see anyone else with sweat running in a stream off of them, I don't see anyone else with a towel leaving a trail of water as they walk out of class. Which begs the question what is the proper procedure for exiting so as to leave as little a sweat trail as possible?

dripping2

What do you do when you're in stick pose and you realize you are dripping on the water bottle of the person in front of you? Do you discretely mention it? Do you offer to buy them another? Not that either will do them any good during class, do you do as I did, hope no one else noticed and move slightly?

They don't cover any of that in the FAQ's.

Most likely class 4 tomorrow!

Tags: bikram yoga, hot yoga

Bikram yoga pas deux

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 17:23:25 GMT

two

Bikram two

Session 2 at 10 am this morning
Studio one (the gas chamber) had an intro offer for $20 you get your first two classes if used within three days. I went on a Tuesday and planned on going again Thursday. An unfortunate run in with jello shots on Wednesday night left me a little to wobbly to attempt class on Thursday. Friday an incredible thunder storm rolled through with hail and torrential rain, I rushed home to rescue my ponies. They of course were perfectly fine, I think that the worst of it bypassed them.

Found Studio 2 near my home, they have an intro offer, $30 one week unlimited use. So I signed up for that because Dawn says I really should go 6 days in a row, what she didn't say was and then you die.

Got to say, did not get the same warm and fuzzy feeling from this studio two as I did from the gas chamber. The instructor was working the front desk just as at the gas chamber, but seemed far to distracted to explain the procedures, me with one whole class under my belt is still not sure of the etiquette nor did he seem able to focus on my questions.

Once class was underway he offered no corrections, now it could be that I'm a bikram savant and got everything right, but considering he did often say that first timers should just concentrate on getting a taste for it, perhaps thinking that the attrition rate is so high among first timers that he needn't spend to much time with them untill they commit?

duck

I have to say one of my biggest fears or concerns was actualized, not by me luckily, and I no longer have that to worry about. Coming out of Standing separate leg stretching pose, this large gentleman nearby farted, two, loud wet, blubbery farts in quick succession. Imagine sweat soaked cheeks flapping in a rippling duck call. AND NO ONE LAUGHED! I have to admit that I have been afraid that while concentrating hard to maintain a pose that I might inadvertently squeeze one out, so I now know that I don't need to be embarrassed. However given the way I sweat, it is not going to be pretty. Then I had to hold back a giggle...because what I pictured was his shorts ballooning out with the trapped air! Like mens bathing suits will do when you dive into the water. I had to cough to hide it.

balloon

I did get light headed again, in the camel pose. I couldn't do them today, and stayed with my hands on my hips but that was the only time that happened. I remembered Dawn's tips, to smile when it got tough to trick my mind into thinking it was having fun, and to chant, didn't remember her chant exactly but came up with something close enough breathing in "Eeeeevvvvveeeeeerrrrrryyyy cccccccccceeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllll" breathing out iiiiiiiiissssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllliiiiiiivvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee". That worked, and I kept my eyes open, when it was tough I tended to close my eyes, which I think contributed to feeling light headed.

Once again the sweat flowed out of me like the tap was left on, my towel was sopping, I don't know what they do with those floors but I can't imagine it's very clean under that carpet.

Finished up and with the exception of camel pose, did everything and hung in there. Class 3 is tomorrow, I'm trying for the 8 am because it should be a bit less crowded.

Tags: bikram yoga, hot yoga

Bikram yoga

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 03:55:36 GMT

I have never wanted something to end so much! Well maybe that time during basic training where we went into the gas chamber, filled with tear gas and had to remove our gas masks and then stand there till the drill sergeants thought we were ready to leave, but other than that nothing else has ever been so hard, it's a million degrees and the heat weighs on you, assaults you!.

teargas

They give you a mat, a big towel, a little towel, and a bottle of water. The big towel goes over the mat, the little towel is to wipe the sweat off your whatevers or use as a strap in some of the poses, the water bottle is your manna from heaven. After about 15 minutes, it's of course warm water. My towel was sopping wet. If I were a wrestler trying to make weight, 90 minutes of this would move me down two weight classes. I was doing this pose, feet about 4 feet apart, hands gripping my ankles (kissing my a$$ goodbye!) head on the floor, ok head near the floor, and I look back and sweat is pouring off my shorts between my legs, not dripping pouring.

melting-cow

I'm pretty flexible, can do a reasonable split, I'm familiar with all of the poses that we did and can do most of them, I have weak ankles (too many sprains over the years) so the one legged stances are a challenge but I was able to wobble through them.

Anyone who has ever taken my blood pressure has always commented on how low it was, I've always taken that to mean I can eat all the salt I want, in the second half of class, when we were on the mat, we would rest in corpse pose, and then raise our arms over our heads and do a sit up, and then move into the next pose, each time I'd have this wave of light headed-ness wash over me that I would have to pause before moving into the pose.

When it was over, my throat was so constricted I couldn't talk much above a whisper. I drained a juice box of coconut water, and 2 two liter water bottles.

Driving home, I realized I had never felt so incredible before! It felt like every cell, every muscle was charged up and alive!

Tags: bikram yoga, hot yoga, tear gas, melting

The Four Agreements

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 14:27:52 GMT

I came across this yesterday and liked it so much I decided to post it .

From Miguel Ruiz at miguelruiz.com

The Four Agreements

1. Be impeccable with your words.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean, Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always do your best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.

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What gave you the most joy as a child?

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:07:31 GMT

What a great topic...Hours spend playing 'army' in the woods and yards in my neighborhood. I was an expert in urban warfare by the age of 11. Too bad paintball came along so much later. We would generally play in the woods behind my friends house, there was a pond rimmed by hills on all sides, and the brush was way overgrown, it was our own Vietnamese jungle, and in winter the arena for some fierce hockey games. It was also where all of our tree forts got built, including the three story one we built from doors and old 2x4's and bent nails.

Because all of the kids in the neighborhood had responsible parents who insured that they did things like homework, studying and the occasional bath, I spent a lot of time alone wandering the streets of my hometown. I would come home from school and head down to the river and play on the empty docks, hopping on and off the barges. Playing on the two story sand and gravel piles. I found a way onto the building and would launch myself into space only to fall into the sand pile.

The towns original jail was on the street to the dock, and being agile I learned how to break in the second floor window and explore the cells and dank basement..I also learned that a cigarette lighter and a can of paint makes an adequate torch to see by in dark abandoned buildings, not to mention a few other interesting uses.

My imagination soared in the countless hours I spend exploring both the town I actually lived in and the complex vivid one I built inside of my head. Where could fly, captain a barge on the Mississippi, crouch unmoving in the jungle waiting to ambush an enemy patrol.

We didn't live in the worst part of town, but you could see it from where we lived, looking back I would have been easy pickings for a pedophile...if he got close enough to catch me that is...I could always fly!

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Proust Questionnaire (thanks to susan) a work in progress

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:46:02 GMT

Proust Questionnaire :Susan tagged me. She asked for it, and now she's got it!

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
peaceful mind and a full heart.

What is your greatest fear?
That I will fail my family.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Valentine Michael Smith (do fictional historical characters count?)

Which living person do you most admire?
Bill Gates. Alpha geek makes good, starts giving millions to charity.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself.
A.D.D whether it's real or imagined
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Meanness.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Hockey Equipment

What is your favorite journey?
Those with no destination, only discovery.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Honesty...as it can be used as a mantle to cover a mean streak.

On what occasion do you lie?
When I talk about my legs.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Anything above the waist. Having run my whole life I think I have great legs and tush.

Which living person do you most despise?
Dick Cheney... I guess

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
apparently

What is your greatest regret?
Losing my father while I still thought I hated him.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My daughter.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Flying, no wait invisibility, no wait super strength. Ok really, the ability to play the guitar..

What is your current state of mind?

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Their addiction to cigarettes.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Going from .88 GPA in HS to graduating with honors from College.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
a Buddhist monk. Although Hugh Hefner is a close second on some days.

What is your most treasured possession?
I tried to think of what is the one thing if I walked away now I would absolutely have to take with me, my daughter comes first to mind...but she is not a possession. What is it I could not replace, I think it would be the pictures I inherited when mom passed away.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
I would think being on death row for a crime you did not commit.

Where would you like to live?
Grindewald Switzerland.

What is your favorite occupation?
Hockey player

What is your most marked characteristic?
equanimity

What is the quality you most like in a man?
great defense. no wait that's most in a hockey player.

What is the quality you most like in a woman
red hair, green eyes, athletic...oops wrong list. I'm trying to find the word for down to earth, unpretentious, you're basic good soul.

What do you most value in your friends?
acceptance.

Who are your favorite writers?
Steinbeck, Heinlein, Hesse.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Captain America

Who are your heroes in real life?
Thich Nhat Hanh

What are your favorite names?
Katherine, Patricia, Puppa ( I use that for my dog, horses and donkey)

What is it that you most dislike?

How would you like to die?
Asleep in my tent, somewhere along the AT.

What is your motto?
Live long and prosper.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE TAG 1. If someone tags you, read their blog on The Proust Questionnaire 2. Copy the questions and these instructions, paste them to your blog, and then write your own answers. 3. Write the name of the person who tagged you, and link the name to their blog 4. Tag 4 other people; and let them know by a Shout Out or an email. Write their names on your blog, and link to their blogs as well. If you're not sure how to do it, ASK, but do play the game. It's a great community-building tool. TIP- Please don't tag people who've already been tagged. Play mindfully!

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All I know about child rearing I learned from Siddhartha

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 03:27:28 GMT

my life in five sentences
kicksave said Jan 21, 3:04 PM:
(I brought this from the diving deeper pod where I first posted it)

It wasn't what I'd hoped it would be, I did not grow up to be President, play for the Jets, Mets or Bruins.

I did not cure cancer, small pox or the common cold, or even manage to get my name to appear when you google me.

Never learned to play the guitar, piano, drums or ever ever ever sing in public.

I did finally learn that I am who I am for the things I did not do, as well as the things that I did.

I did bring into this world one terrific child who may do all of those things and more, or not and I love her for all that she is and for all that she is not.

Brightly, the ferryman's smile lit up; softly, he touched Siddhartha's
arm and said: "Ask the river about it, my friend! Hear it laugh about
it! Would you actually believe that you had committed your foolish acts
in order to spare your son from committing them too? And could you in
any way protect your son from Sansara? How could you? By means of
teachings, prayer, admonition? My dear, have you entirely forgotten
that story, that story containing so many lessons, that story about
Siddhartha, a Brahman's son, which you once told me here on this very
spot? Who has kept the Samana Siddhartha safe from Sansara, from sin,
from greed, from foolishness? Were his father's religious devotion, his
teachers warnings, his own knowledge, his own search able to keep him
safe? Which father, which teacher had been able to protect him from
living his life for himself, from soiling himself with life, from
burdening himself with guilt, from drinking the bitter drink for
himself, from finding his path for himself? Would you think, my dear,
anybody might perhaps be spared from taking this path? That perhaps
your little son would be spared, because you love him, because you would
like to keep him from suffering and pain and disappointment? But even
if you would die ten times for him, you would not be able to take the
slightest part of his destiny upon yourself."

Siddhartha, Herman Hesse Chapter 10

Perhaps the most influential paragraph I have ever read. I try to remember the Vasudeva's comments when ever I grow impatient with my child. When I find that I am clipping her wings, because I know that she must fly to high, crash into her own stone walls. I can only guide her and pick her up and send her back out. Love her for all that she is, and all that she is not.

Tags:

The game of tag

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 19:02:34 GMT

Susan's fault she tagged me

Da Rules:

1. Link to the person's blog who tagged you.

2. Post these rules on your blog.

3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.

4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

Now 7 random things:

1- I could never be a true buddhist because while I do believe all life is sacred, I believe that tics, flys mosquitos and japanese beetles are exempt from that rule.

2- I spent 6 months on an island on the Anawetok Atoll, called Lojwa.

3- I've run a 1/4 mile in a minute

4- I once drove cross country in 57 hours.

5- my most embarassing scar is on my right forearm, and was caused when I realized at the last minute that the toilet seat was up and I was about to sit on the bowl, I caught myself on the edge of the vanity, which was being tiled at the time, leaving a thin white scar.

6- my most impressive scar is the small one on my right elbow that I received after colliding with a deer at around 60 mph on my motorcyle..it's impressive because that was the only injury from the ensuing wreck.

7- the jacket I was wearing during the above still has deer hair embedded in it.

7-a I just realized I sent out all my tag emails with "your it" instead of "you're it"

My seven victims:
Lori -   Simply Being
Mel - Purest Love
Doug - Doug / PeaceWalker
Tara   - Life Transformation Goddess :o)
Kenyon Cramer - Truthophile
Don - Light Generator
Loida Garcia - Healer

Tags:

Favorite signs

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 16:52:43 GMT

On the Merrit Parkway here in Connecticut.

"Caution Depressed storm drains"

I guess they may end it all by jumping in front of your car.

At an assisted living facility in Monroe Ct.

Help Wanted
Nurse
Maintance.

It's probably two jobs, but if not, that could be a fun job.

On the lime green rental strollers at the Danbury Mall, on the stoage compartment under the seat

"Do not put child in bag"

At the Self Service Storage Facility in town:

Half off
first three months
we rent boxes

I wonder when is the first three months they'll be renting boxes.

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Makes you wonder why?

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 16:48:33 GMT

You know those lists of pounderables that come around, like why do park on the driveway, and drive on the parkway? Here's mine. I was in a bar downsouth, apparently in the heart of nascar country. There on the wall was a life size cutout of Jeff Gordon (I had to ask) in his racing suit. (the walking bill board flame retardent thing) he was posed as if he was leaning against the wall, with his hands in his pockets.

Why do racing suits have pockets? Is that for the car keys? Change for the tolls?

Moved from my profile page to here as it seems a more appropriate place for it.

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another marathon

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 23:33:37 GMT

I started running seriously after watching the 1983 NYC marathon. I decided I would like to do that. It took two years but I ran the NYC Marathon in 1985. To say I hit the wall belies the impact running 26.2 miles has on a body that never ran more then 15 before.

I learned a lot, trained better and ran again in 1987, 1991. Took a break from marathons and tried again in 2002. Running Oklahoma City and the Marine Corp. Each one faster then the one before it.

The later I came within 9 minutes of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Then I got injured, they removed a good chunk of the cartilage in my right hip socket. The year after that I had the best running year of my life, doubling my annual mileage. Being unemployed does wonders for your fitness, but not much for your self esteem. About the time I found work, injuries started piling up and I ended up taking more and more time off from running, till the hiatus became nearly two years.

In all of this time I have harbored a dream of running Boston. Not some charity fund raising automatic entry, but a bona fide, qualified time entry.

This is where I announce that I am giving it another shot. I've started running again, a few times a week, the plan being to build on that slowly, with the goal of running the 2008 Oklahoma City Marathon April 27th. I'll be 50, the qualifying times for a 50 year old are 5 minutes slower then the qualifying time for a 44 year old (my age in 2002). So that means I need only improve my time by 4 minutes to get into Boston.

Why am I posting this here? Good question, I know it doesn't fit into the spirit of zaadz, being an entirely selfish goal, but I needed to say this out loud (in an Internet sort of way), so that I have put it out there, giving me some extra incentive to chase this dream.

After that, I'll work towards enlightenment, I promise.

Tags: marathon, running, goals, dreams

cleaning my carpet

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Mon, 07 May 2007 02:16:52 GMT

I rented a carpet cleaner today. You see I have a cat that is older then Yoda, 16 or 17, I've lost track. He spends a lot of time sleeping, like most beings his age do. Then he'll rouse himself, head to the bathroom where I keep his litter box and food. He has trouble with both. The food he doesn't keep down, and the litter follows him from room to room. Markings on the wall, foot prints in gray outlines on the bathroom tile, the toilet seat. He won't drink from anything but the toilet. He's taken over that bathroom, it can seem like a walk on the beach going in there. The 'clumping' litter sprayed around, flecking the tiles.

It's because he barfs up 1 in 3 meals, not to mention the hair balls, and he loses hair like someone undergoing chemo, that I needed to clean my carpet. The splotches of yellow were everywhere. (I do have a spot cleaner, lest you think I'm not a total slob)

I dragged all of the move-able furniture out of the room, picking up the plastic mat under my office chair, I do a lot of work from home. That was when I noticed what the carpet used to look like. The rest of the room was sort of beige with brown specs. Under the plastic mat it looked white with brown specs. I had not noticed the accumulation of dirt before.

Looking at the stark contrast, it was very different, the color under that mat, I wondered how I could not notice the change? How had this day in and day out accumulation of dust, dirt, kitty litter, dog fur, cat fur, even the horses contribution gone unnoticed? Then I wondered how many other things in my life had been covered over by the day to day grime of living life, and I just never noticed. If I could lift some metaphorically mat in my life and see things how they were to my younger self, before the dust and grime of day to day living over all of these years had been trampled into the very warp and woof of my life.

What would I see? would it be so different? Am I so different? or have I not changed? This evoloving/mutating/metamorphis that I think I've undergone what if it isn't reality? Wouldn't that really suck if I'm no different?

Tags: evolving, mutating, cleaning

dead women in my life ...posted by Maze

http://kicksave.gaia.com — Wed, 02 May 2007 03:12:23 GMT

Drew me like a moth to a windshield....see I have been thinking of the dead women in my life. In 4 months I lost my mother, my maternal grandmother and my sister. September, October and January. Singularly these events are easier to deal with, when they gang up on me it makes my head hurt. I keep coming back to them, here and there in the quiet moments. I'll pull off a little piece and deal with it for awhile until I've taken the emotions out of it.

But there is this one piece, that looms large, and is sort of the binding agent that ties these three deaths together, more so then family does. They all smoked heavily, and they would all be here today if they hadn't. I have one sister left, and she has smoked since she was 15, I have never smoked.

My mother smoked until the last two years of her life, stopping when she was found unconscious on the floor of her home after a fall, she went into a nursing home where she never got out of bed or took a breath of her own power again. She died just a few days before her 77th birthday.

My sister literally smoked until she died. She was found on the floor of her bedroom, with her oxygen tubes off. The speculate that she had removed it to have a cigarette, and it fell to the floor. Since she couldn't go more than a few minutes without oxygen they think she passed out trying to retrieve them. This was a woman who had only been home a few weeks after having a heart attack, on top of diabetes. She was 56.

My grandmother had managed to quit smoking several years ago, but the damage had been done and her lungs couldn't keep up. She was 83. (She was my Grandfathers 3rd wife, and was only a few years older then my mom, but the only Grandmother I had ever known)

For most of my life I was vehemently anti-smoking. If I knew you and you smoked, you couldn't stand being around me, and a few people I didn't know couldn't stand me either. Then I lost a good friend of mine to a heart attack and I was hit by a car while out running. That period in my life changed my outlook, and for awhile I decided that if someone enjoyed smoking enough to trade years off of their lives for it, who was I to tell them they couldn't. Then my mom went into the nursing home, both my sisters health started to fail as did my grandmother's. I saw first hand what their addiction did to their bodies, and their loved ones. I saw their quality of life decline until thoughts of how they would be better off dead crept into my head where they and guilt would careen around inside my head like those motorcycle riders inside the giant drum. Even now I don't know which bothers me more, what smoking did to me or what it did to them.

So that's the part I keep working on the smoking part and am I pissed for what it took from them or pissed for what it took from me. Or just pissed that they didn't care enough about the rest of us to stop?

Tags: family, loss, smoking